Joanne Script Edit
Mar 1, 2016 8:58:08 GMT
Post by joannem on Mar 1, 2016 8:58:08 GMT
GORGON BENNETT
By Ewen Campion-Clarke
(Joanne Edit 4)
SCENE 1: INT. APARTMENT. NIGHT
SFX: a strange, inhuman howling.
ANDREW: . . . Quiet, isn’t it?
NIGEL: Shhh! I think it knows we’re in here. . .
DAVE: Of course it knows we’re in here. Out of all the houses in the street, it’s circling this one. Doesn’t that suggest something?
ANDREW: It's got an eye for a bargain 'fixer upper'?
NIGEL: It’s a bloody Gorgon, Andy, not a property crazed yuppie!
DAVE: I thought it was a Medusa?
ANDREW: There were three Gorgons. Medusa's just the one everyone's heard of.
NIGEL: So she's like Lemmy out of Motorhead?
DAVE: Only slightly better looking.
ANDREW: Boys, I just realised something.
DAVE: What?
ANDREW: “Medusa” is an anagram of “amused”.
DAVE: Is that significant?
ANDREW: I don't think so.
NIGEL: We’re trapped behind the sofa by a snake-haired, dragon-winged, toga-wearing monster and you're working it into a crossword puzzle!
ANDREW: Excuse me for trying to find an upside.
DAVE: I hope it turns you to stone first.
ANDREW: I'm sensing some hostility, Dave.
NIGEL: Shut up! How long do you think we can last in here?
ANDREW: In terms of food?
NIGEL: Yeah.
ANDREW: You had the last cuppa-soup last night. We've got nothing.
DAVE: I've got a cupboard full of tofu.
NIGEL: No food then.
SFX: another long howl.
DAVE: I think it’s getting closer.
ANDREW: I can probably smell us. Well, I say us.
NIGEL: What are you implying, Andrew?
ANDREW: Nothing.
NIGEL: Don’t give me that. You’re insinuating something.
DAVE: Why pick on this house?
ANDREW: Because everyone else was smart enough to evacuate - or is a garden ornament now.
NIGEL: You’re inferring something’s wrong with my hygiene.
ANDREW: No. Well...
DAVE: No, he’s not.
NIGEL: Oh.
ANDREW: I might be implying that, but you’d have to be the one to infer it.
NIGEL: Andrew, you really are a complete -
SFX: another monster howl drowns out the list of expletives.
NIGEL: - biscuit. . . You really think it can sniff me out?
ANDREW: Probably. Don’t go near the windows.
NIGEL: It can smell us through glass?
ANDREW: Why not? Alligators can.
NIGEL: Alligators?
ANDREW: They're reptiles and she's got a head full of snakes.
DAVE: Alligators can't smell through glass.
ANDREW: No? Maybe it's crocodiles then.
NIGEL: Give me a crocodile over that thing any day. At least we could stop a crocodile.
DAVE: You think?
NIGEL: Yes, we could feed you to it while we ran away.
ANDREW: All we’d have to do is twist a rubber band around its snout.
DAVE: All we’d have to do?
ANDREW: Yeah. Crocodile jaws aren't like ours. Snapping shut? Lethal. But opening wide? They've got nothing. One decent rubber band and we'd have it.
NIGEL: It could still charge us down, Bear Grylls, claw us to pieces and beat us to death with its massive prehistoric tail.
DAVE: Good job it's not a crocodile then.
NIGEL: No, it's just a full on monster from Roman mythology.
ANDREW: Greek.
NIGEL: Greek. Roman. We can debate that once it's killed us. Where is it right now?
SFX: another howl.
ANDREW: ...I would say...disturbingly adjacent.
DAVE: Sounds like it’s in the back garden.
NIGEL: You sure?
DAVE: Of course I’m not sure!
NIGEL: Well that’s not much help then. Maybe you could take off your blindfold for a peek?
DAVE: Yeah, you first pal.
ANDREW: Of course we could just flip it over.
NIGEL: “Flip it over?”
ANDREW: Yes. All the blood will rush out its head and it’ll pass out. That’s what they do at rodeos . . . .Sorry, I was still thinking about the crocodile.
SFX: another howl, much closer.
NIGEL: (Shouts) You too, goldilocks!
DAVE: That thing gets in here, we’re toast.
ANDREW: Yep.
NIGEL: You don’t sound too bothered.
ANDREW: Would it help if I did?
NIGEL: It might. It's your fault.
ANDREW: My fault? How is it my fault?
NIGEL: You don’t know?
ANDREW: No.
NIGEL: Well. . . If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!
ANDREW: Fine.
NIGEL: Fine!
ANDREW: Fine!
DAVE: We’re going to die here, aren’t we?
ANDREW: Yes, I should think so.
NIGEL: Unless you’re also immortal and never let on.
DAVE: Twenty-two years and this is how it ends.
ANDREW: Not with a bang but with a whimper.
NIGEL: More a sort of scraping stone-on-stone sound.
ANDREW: Yeah. But not a “bang”.
NIGEL: No. I grant you. Not a “bang”. Still there are worse ways to die.
DAVE: How do you know?
ANDREW: Yeah, we've never died before, certainly never been turned to stone by a creature from ancient mythology. Might be relaxing, maybe not.
DAVE: I’d rather not die at all. Given the option.
NIGEL: Wasn't on my 'to do' list for today either.
ANDREW: Interesting way to go though, beats a car crash or old people's home.
NIGEL: Heart attack in bed with Jessica Alba?
ANDREW: OK, doesn't beat that.
NIGEL: I suppose you're right though, how many stiffs can say they were turned into a fossil?
ANDREW: My guess, today, about fifty-three.
NIGEL: I suppose the novelty is wearing off.
ANDREW: Unless they're not dead.
DAVE: You think being fossilised's something you just get over?
ANDREW: They used to say the same thing about pneumonia. My gran -
NIGEL: This'd take more than half a cup of Lemsip.
DAVE: I've got some pretty potent chamomile.
ANDREW: If she can turn you to stone just like that, maybe something could turn you back again. Like how you can survive if you're frozen. Your brain wouldn’t need oxygen, blood, heart, totally petrified.
NIGEL: I'm petrified of being petrified. I don't want to find out.
DAVE: You think it’ll hurt?
ANDREW: Nah, more like holding your breath forever.
DAVE: . . . Why don't we make a break for it?
NIGEL: We're blindfolded in a barricaded flat. We take off our blindfolds and run then snakehead out there turns us to granite. We leave them on we'll stumble about like Stevie Wonder playing rugby and be easy prey; The whole suburb's blockaded anyway and the army will shoot anything that moves.
DAVE: So you’re saying... we can’t just make a break for it.
ANDREW: I think that’s what he’s saying. Is that what you’re saying, Nige?
NIGEL: Well, not all of us.
SFX: another howl.
ANDREW: Maybe we better keep the noise down.
NIGEL: I just said that.
ANDREW: Sorry. Wasn’t listening.
NIGEL: If you’d listened to me at the start, we'd not be in this mess!
ANDREW: Excuse me, Mr. “Oh-I’m-sure-it-just-another-publicity-stunt-Gorgons-don’t-exist-in-the-real-world-this-has-you've-been-framed-written-all-over-it”!
NIGEL: Well...
ANDREW: Mr. “Nobody-tells-me-when-to-evacuate-my-rented-accommodation-apocalypse-or-no-apocalypse”!
NIGEL: Egomaniac.
ANDREW: Moron.
DAVE: Shhh, the pair of you. None of us saw it coming.
NIGEL: Do you have to keep mentioning sight?
ANDREW: Nigel’s right. We’re all blindfolded. You’re just reminding us.
DAVE: Oh. I see what you mean.
NIGEL: You’re doing it again!
DAVE: Look at it this way -
ANDREW: Dave!
NIGEL: OK, we should have got out, but to start off it was your fault.
ANDREW: Is that right?
NIGEL: Yes.
ANDREW: How's that then?
NIGEL: I'll tell you.
ANDREW: Go on then.
NIGEL: I will.
ANDREW: Good. No one’s stopping you.
NIGEL: No one can stop me.
ANDREW: No one’s trying to!
SFX: another roar.
NIGEL: Doesn't she ever give up? She's worse than those Mormons.
ANDREW: You shouldn't have challenged them to a fight.
NIGEL: We didn't actually come to blows.
ANDREW: Good job, they were big girls, corn fed, you had no chance.
DAVE: They came round every week after that. You hid in your room while I fed them biscuits.
ANDREW: In the end I said you'd moved to Uganda.
NIGEL: This is not remotely the same! It’s like chalk and cheese. They're completely different.
ANDREW Apart from the fact they both start with “ch”.
NIGEL: Apart from that.
DAVE: And they’re both one syllable.
NIGEL: All right, yes, similar in that regard...
ANSWER: Both made from calcium of course.
DAVE: Both white.
ANDREW: No, cheese is yellow.
NIGEL: I’ve seen yellow chalk. Anyway, this is still your fault. You and your bloody artwork, Pablo Picasso. If you hadn't dragged us down the canal for one of your landscapes instead of watching the match we wouldn't be in this mess.
ANDREW: Picasso? Get lost. I'm more of your abstract impressionist. You're right though, when Dave found that first statue, I should have realised someone had been gorgonised.
NIGEL: Did you say “Gorgonise”?
ANDREW: Technical term for being turned into stone. It's in the dictionary.
NIGEL: You’re making this up.
ANDREW: I am not! Gorgonize! It's a doing word!
NIGEL: You only know all these fancy words so you can cheat at scrabble.
ANDREW: Why did you two carry it off anyway?
DAVE: Nigel was bored watching you fling paint around like a chimpanzee, and we thought the statue had just been dumped there.
ANDREW: And you, being you, were going to recycle it?
SFX: another roar.
DAVE: Nige' thought he'd swap it for lunch at Doris's milk bar.
NIGEL: It could have worked. Worth some chips and mushy peas anyway. Would have made a good novelty hat stand.
DAVE: But when we got there . . .
NIGEL: I thought it was more of your modern art rubbish at first. All those statues at the picnic tables. Some corporate thing. Red Bull or... OK, maybe not Red Bull.
ANDREW: Did you get your free lunch?
DAVE: Nope. She came out the back, took a butchers, screamed and ran like a bat out of hell.
NIGEL: She probably rang the police, sparked the whole evacuation.
ANDREW: The evacuation we ignored? That evacuation?
NIGEL: Yep.
Silence
DAVE: We’re dead. We’re going to end up like Lot’s Wife.
ANDREW: She got turned to salt, not rock.
NIGEL: Rock salt, then! Nothing can stop that thing!
ANDREW: There must be something. What do we know about Gorgons?
DAVE: They turn to you stone.
ANDREW: Anything else?
NIGEL: Isn’t that enough?
ANDREW: Come on. Know your enemy.
DAVE: I just know what you told me. If you see it, it's so ugly you turn into stone.
ANDREW: Bit like your Nissan, Nige.
DAVE: And they fire lasers from their eyes.
NIGEL: And have this creepy tail that stings you.
ANDREW: That was The Adventures of Hercules!
NIGEL: I'm sure it was based on historical research.
ANDREW: Julius Caesar did not live next door to Jason and the Argonauts! What else do we know?
NIGEL: You said three sisters, right? No, that’s Macbeth.
ANDREW: Medusa was one of them and she got killed by Perseus.
NIGEL: So what?
ANDREW: So they can be killed and there's only two left.
DAVE: Unless Medusa was just the only mortal Gorgon.
SFX: another roar.
NIGEL: OK, what else do we know?
ANDREW: Sharp teeth. Scaly skin. Much like my first girlfriend. And wings. I’m sure that thing out there has wings.
DAVE: How did Perseus kill Medusa then?
ANDREW: Cut her head off, I think. Then waved the head about to vanquish his enemies.
NIGEL: So, we cut its head off? Do they have acid for blood?
ANDREW: How the hell do I know, Sigourney? But yeah, cut its head off.
DAVE: It doesn't grow another one?
ANDREW: Don't think so. That's the Hydra.
SFX: the Gorgon starts to smash the front door down.
NIGEL: That's the front door!
ANDREW: Fall back to the bathroom!
SFX: more smashes and a much louder roar.
NIGEL: Go, go, go!
DAVE: Don’t take off your blindfold!
ANDREW: Just get into the bathroom!
NIGEL: Well, don't tell it where we're going!
ANDREW: It only speaks Greek!
SFX: roars amid rattlesnake noises
SFX: Nigel trips over an armchair.
NIGEL: Ah! My ankle!
SFX: rattlesnake noises get louder and louder
DAVE: Crawl for it Nigel! She's picked me. My god, it’s got my hand!
NIGEL: That’s me. Sorry.
SFX: shockingly loud roar. Then NIGEL roars back. A moment's silence.
NIGEL . . . I did NOT expect that to work.
SFX: They tumble into the bathroom and slam the door as the Gorgon continues to bellow.
ANDREW: You in Nige?
NIGEL: I'm in, you in too?
ANDREW: Yeah, we're good.
DAVE: I'm in too.
SCENE 2: INT. BATHROOM. NIGHT
SFX: The Gorgon roars as they recover their breath.
NIGEL: OK. We're safe.
ANDREW: Well, not really.
NIGEL: Good job we had that window bricked, it can't get in that way.
ANDREW: Yeah, and you tried to fight that court order after the nurses next door complained.
DAVE: What are we going to do?
ANDREW: We're not going to panic. There's at least half an inch of MDF between us and that roaring death machine. We’re not dead yet.
NIGEL: Can’t help but notice the word “yet” there.
ANDREW: We need to brainstorm.
DAVE: Um . . .
SFX: the toilet flushes
NIGEL: Sorry, I was bursting. What's the plan then?
ANDREW: Long version or short version?
NIGEL: . . . Short.
ANDREW: Don’t let it kill us.
NIGEL: And the long?
ANDREW: We kill it instead.
NIGEL: So you’re saying we should try and kill the gorgon.
ANDREW: Exactly!
DAVE: If killing it was easy, wouldn't the army have done it already?
NIGEL: They could have, they don't want to hurt civilians.
ANDREW: Right, if killing them is that hard, why is there only one? Why haven’t they spread across the globe?
DAVE: We don't know there's only one. You said there was another. Are they only women? Maybe she's looking for man.
NIGEL: You'll be all right then. Sounds like a plan though. Chop her head clean off.
DAVE: With what?
NIGEL: We improvise. Main thing is we don't die.
DAVE: Well, I don't know.
ANDREW: What’s your problem, Dave?
DAVE: Well... we’d be making a species extinct.
NIGEL: It's not a flippin' dodo.
DAVE: That could be the only Gorgon in the world. And if we kill it... well...Are we any better?
NIGEL: We kill it and save the world. Girls love that stuff. I'm not seeing the downside.
DAVE: Wiping out an entire species though! Do we have the right?
NIGEL: It wants to wipe us out. It's the Gorgon or us. Whose side are you on here?
ANDREW: Nigel’s right, Dave, Gorgon's don't give a stuff about the environment.
NIGEL: World's better off without them.
ANDREW: They’re as bad as those pandas.
DAVE: Pandas? What have you got against Pandas?
ANDREW: I don't know, they sit around all day on their fat black and white backsides, chomping bamboo, not even trying to bump nasties. It's like they want to go extinct sometimes. Sorry, it's always bugged me.
NIGEL: We'll kill it with our bare hands.
ANDREW: The Panda?
NIGEL: The Gorgon!
DAVE: Could we live with that on our consciences?
NIGEL: Dunno really, but I'm willing to find out.
SFX: another howl, quieter now.
NIGEL: So. The plan. Kill the Gorgon while . . . it’s distracted.
DAVE: What’s distracting it?
ANDREW: . . . Nigel?
NIGEL: Well. Dave. You are. Obviously.
DAVE: Me?
ANDREW: Yeah. While that thing is busy turning you to stone, we sneak up behind it and...
DAVE: ...Me?!?
NIGEL: No, you keep your blindfold on.
DAVE: So it can tear me to pieces?
NIGEL: Not right away. It's kill or be killed, right? You don't want to kill it, so you're going to die anyway. You like animals, best way to go.
ANDREW: Right, right. This way you keep the moral high ground and we both survive. It's a win win.
NIGEL: We got any swords or anything in here?
ANDREW: In the bathroom?
NIGEL: Hacksaw or something. Some kind of weapon.
DAVE: What about the snakes?
ANDREW: Most snakes are perfectly harmless.
DAVE: Not these ones!
ANDREW: I'm just saying in general.
DAVE: You’re just going to let me die?
NIGEL: Now don't go all emo.
DAVE: I am not emo!
ANDREW: Yeah, don’t call him emo, Nige. You’ll make him cry.
DAVE: Excuse me! I got a bit overwrought at the job centre one time and accidentally scratched my sunburn – that does not make me emo! All right?
NIGEL: OK, thorough recce of the cabinet. No hacksaws.
ANDREW: OK, plan B.
NIGEL: You distract it, we sneak away. . .
DAVE: And. . . ?
ANDREW: . . . Nigel?
NIGEL: Well, we escape.
ANDREW: I don’t want you think that we don’t care about you, Dave. we do. But you were last name on the lease and . . .
DAVE: This wasn't in the rental agreement!
ANDREW: We’re by no means saying you being turned to stone is a good thing.
NIGEL: Not in itself, no.
ANDREW: But this way you're the hero, and we get to lead lives that are worth living.
NIGEL: Exactly.
ANDREW: I've got my painting. Nige is assistant manager at Halfords. What have you got?
NIGEL: With the best will in the world, and I love you mate, I really do, but you are whiney, self-hating loser with no career prospects, social life or any discernible chance of losing your virginity. Are you seriously going to look me in the eye and tell me you have anything to live for?
ANDREW: You may be the lucky one Dave. There could be turbulent times ahead.
DAVE: What do you mean?
NIGEL: Well, Gorgons today, what's coming back tomorrow? Cyclops popping up in Centre Parks! Minotaurs marauding through Middlesborough. Could be mayhem. I envy you being out of it, I really do.
DAVE: You could always volunteer then.
NIGEL: I already hurt my ankle.
DAVE: Andy said it was his fault.
ANDREW: Which is why I have to live to make amends. It's a moral imperative. What can I do?
NIGEL: Good man Dave. We'll tell your mum you died bravely, once you're gone she'll take our calls I'm sure.
DAVE: So this is it, then?
ANDREW: I expect so. Maybe we should discuss the. . . arrangements?
DAVE: Arrangements?
NIGEL: How do you want to be buried? What's the playlist going to be? Don't worry, we'll stand you the catering.
DAVE: Um. I never really thought about it.
NIGEL: I want a tape recorder in my coffin so as it slides into the furnace my voice starts shouting it's all been a terrible mistake.
Andrew and Dave laugh, then tail off.
ANDREW: Hang on though, what if you actually do get burned alive? No one would let you out, your mates would just think -
NIGEL: Oh. Yeah, that needs some more thought. What are you having Andrew?
ANDREW: Viking boat burning.
NIGEL: Obviously. Ulf, Sven and Gunnar the Giant down the Rose and Crown would love that.
ANDREW: What about you?
NIGEL: Statue of me big enough to be seen from space was my original idea, but to be honest, this business has put me right off.
ANDREW: Good thing about this, Dave, is you could be your own headstone, and those things are expensive, let me tell you.
DAVE: So? I’ll be dead! Let them bill the afterlife! . .You believe in an afterlife, right?
ANDREW: Well . . .
DAVE: I’ve never been very religious.
NIGEL: Religion requires faith, perseverance and commitment. You couldn't get through the first season of Lost.
DAVE: You believe in god Andy?
ANDREW: It's all up in the air now. Gorgon's coming back mean a major theological rethink.
DAVE: But what do you think happens? When we die, I mean?
NIGEL: Well, your heart stops beating. After that you're on your own.
ANDREW: Look at it this way, Dave... if you die, you cease to exist, right?
DAVE: Right.
ANDREW: So it’s just like before you were born. And that was pretty relaxing.
DAVE: I suppose.
NIGEL: Come on, clock's ticking. Who do you want at your funeral, Dave? We'll try to make it, obviously.
ANDREW: Goes without saying.
NIGEL: Least we could do.
DAVE: Um. Well, I want my family there. If they want to. Best not make it giro day. Phoebe, that girl I sat next to in History... you're right, I have nothing.
ANDREW: Don't worry, we'll get your family there. We'll stress the free food angle.
NIGEL: You made a will?
DAVE: I don't have much stuff.
NIGEL: OK, job lot on ebay. Might pay for the balloons.
SFX: Dave sobs.
ANDREW: I don’t want to be cruel, Dave, but it'd be much easier on Nigel and me if you kept it together. It's been a trying time for us both.
DAVE: Yes, yes, I'm sorry.
NIGEL: Good lad.
ANDREW: And Dave, I just want to say. . .
DAVE: (Sniffles) What?
ANDREW: Well, how about “Gotta Go Home” by Boney M for the music? We'd all like a bit of a boogie after this. Cheer everyone up.
DAVE: Bloody hell.
ANDREW: There’s that underlying note of hostility again.
SFX: Dave starts to sniffle.
ANDREW: Shhh... Listen.
NIGEL: I can't hear anything.
ANDREW: Exactly. It's gone.
NIGEL Or it's waiting for us.
DAVE: So it's either gone, or it won't expect an attack.
ANDREW: Right.
DAVE: OK! All right then! Anything's better than another minute in here with you two. MEDUSA! Start running for your life, you snake-haired bitch! DAVE’S COMING!
SFX: DAVE tears down the rail and shower curtain.
ANDREW: What are you doing? That’s the shower rail!
NIGEL: I nicked that curtain specially!
DAVE: Tough! I need it! You said improvise!
ANDREW: But we need that for showers! Well, some of us do.
DAVE: I’ll use it to bludgeon Medusa.
ANDREW: Oh so it's bugger Greenpeace when it's your neck on the line.
SFX: DAVE cracks Andrew over the head with the shower rail.
ANDREW: Oww!
DAVE: Sorry. Just practicing. Right. Nigel!
NIGEL: Don’t hit me, I didn’t say anything!
DAVE: No, open the door!
NIGEL: Three -
DAVE and NIGEL: Two -
DAVE, NIGEL and ANDREW: One -
SFX: Nigel throws open the door.
DAVE: Geronimooooo!!!... Oh.
NIGEL: It’s gone.
DAVE: Thank... I mean, damn. Damn it to hell.
NIGEL: Don't worry, it’ll be back.
ANDREW: My head really does hurt. I cannot emphasize that enough.
DAVE: So what was your real plan once I jumped out here?
NIGEL: Run like hell, jump in the car and drive... bravely... in the opposite direction. To get, you know, help.
DAVE: Brilliant. Thanks mate. Anyway, I've done my bit, I guess it's Andrews turn now while we do a runner.
NIGEL: No time for that. It'll be back any second. Dave. Any last words?
DAVE: What?
NIGEL: Just the old stiff upper lip? Hardcore.
DAVE: No, I’m not going to die. If you're not going to help me, I'm going to kill it, like you said.
NIGEL: You're not Israeli Special Forces, you got beaten up by the heavy bag that time we went to the gym.
DAVE: Yeah, well. No more mister nice guy. Remember what Che Gevara said!
NIGEL: I'm just a pretty hipster on a T shirt?
DAVE: No. 'It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees'.
ANDREW: That was Emiliano Zapata. . . He's better known for his moustache.
DAVE: If some Greek twerp in a toga can kill a Gorgon, then I should stand a chance.
NIGEL: That's the spirit.
ANDREW: Keep your eyes closed and hope for the best, it's like oral sex really.
DAVE: I’m going to do it! I’m bloody well going to do it! Tonight, Medusa’s ugly sister took on the wrong part-time 7 - 11 shelf stacker! YES! This is going to be the greatest night of Dave Restal’s life!
NIGEL: Riiiiiight.... Well, you get on with that then and we'll...cover your rear.
DAVE: This shower rail is pretty sturdy. You only nick the best.
SFX: Scuffling sounds, like a monster creeping up outside.
DAVE: This is Dave Restal... signing off.
NIGEL: Been done, hasn’t it?
ANDREW: Marx had a good last line.
DAVE: Karl?
ANDREW: Zeppo.
SFX: dustbins being knocked over.
NIGEL: She must be out the front. You get out there and distract her Dave, Andy and I will. . . .
DAVE: Cover my rear, I get it.
ANDREW: Try not to die instantly. Think fluid.
DAVE: Will do.
NIGEL: You’re a brave man, Dave.
DAVE: That really makes it all worthwhile. OK, here I go.
SFX: Dave heads out.
NIGEL: (Calling after him) That’s really appreciated, Dave! Seriously! Major props for this! Go get them, tiger!
SCENE 3: EXT. STREET. NIGHT
DAVE: (to himself) No sign of her... no sign of anyone, come to that...
SFX: footsteps.
DAVE: So cold... freezing... Can she freeze the air? No, that’s ghosts. And ghosts aren’t real. But then neither are Gorgons. Except this one.
SFX: a dog howls in the distance.
DAVE: Aw. Someone must have left their dog behind.
SFX: the dog is cut short with a cry.
DAVE: Must have. . . fallen asleep.
SFX: running footsteps.
DAVE: No street lights. Like my dad said, one power cut and we're back to being cavemen. Cavemen with armfuls of soggy peas, maybe, but cavemen all the same.
SFX: footsteps stop.
DAVE: I’m dead meat.
SFX: Silence so loud you can hear it.
DAVE: OK.
SFX: a distance scraping noise, like stone on stone.
DAVE: I heard that.
SFX: Silence, then a roar, shockingly close and loud.
DAVE: Hello? Keep your eyes closed Dave.
SFX: louder roars.
DAVE: Come on then! Have a go if you think you're hard enough! Oh . . .Shit.
SFX: Dave's nerve fails him and he starts running.
DAVE: Please don’t have a bow and arrow. Please don’t have a bow and arrow. Please don’t have a bow and arrow.
SFX: a long roar.
SFX: bins being knocked over.
DAVE: Oh god, run, Dave, run, run!
SFX: another roar. REALLY loud.
DAVE: Don’t look back. Never look back. I always loved you Phoebe. Woah!
SFX: DAVE tumbles down some steps
SFX: distant scraping, louder and closer. Rattlesnake noises.
DAVE: Oh, bring it on then! I've got a shower rail. I'm not afraid to use it!
SFX: A clunk as he swings the shower rail against the Gorgon to no effect.
DAVE: Bloody Chinese rubbish!
SFX: A tinny clang as he throws the rail away.
SFX: A car squeals into the street at top speed.
DAVE: Watch out!
SFX: The car slams into the Gorgon and slews to a halt.
DAVE: What the hell?!
ANDREW: Nigel, you hit it! Dave! Stay out the way!
NIGEL: Bloody hell!
ANDREW: Reverse over it!
SFX: The car reverses over the body. The howling and hiss of the rattlesnakes dwindle into silence.
ANDREW: Hah! Indestructible my left buttock! Not so tough now are you?
DAVE: Nige! Andy! I knew you'd come get me!
NIGEL: Right! That was the plan!
ANDREW: Absolutely! All the time! Surprise it from behind! No worries!
NIGEL: Look at the dent in that bodywork.
ANDREW: That'll knock out, no problem.
NIGEL: Third party fire and theft won't cover it.
ANDREW: Yeah, you need fully comprehensive to cover mythological Greek monsters.
SFX: Vague moans.
DAVE: Are you sure it's dead?
ANDREW: It's got a car on its head. Of course it's dead.
SFX: Another groan.
ANDREW: OK, it's stricken. It's fading away.
NIGEL: Still, maybe we should make a move.
ANDREW: First sensible thing I’ve heard all day.
SFX: They start running.
NIGEL: Where to?
DAVE: Dunno. Keep bombing down here till we reach the blockade.
ANDREW: And then avoid being shot.
DAVE: They won't shoot us.
NIGEL: If they shoot us I'll be pretty annoyed.
DAVE: That was a genius plan of yours though Nige, must admit. Fool me I was on my own, Gorgon smells the fear, goes in for the kill, you smack it from behind. I should have trusted you guys.
NIGEL: Need to know, Dave. Need to know.
DAVE: I love you guys.
ANDREW: OK, now that is Emo.
DAVE: Come on, round this corner.
SFX: A volley of gunfire.
SFX: In the distance the Gorgon howls again.
THE END
By Ewen Campion-Clarke
(Joanne Edit 4)
SCENE 1: INT. APARTMENT. NIGHT
SFX: a strange, inhuman howling.
ANDREW: . . . Quiet, isn’t it?
NIGEL: Shhh! I think it knows we’re in here. . .
DAVE: Of course it knows we’re in here. Out of all the houses in the street, it’s circling this one. Doesn’t that suggest something?
ANDREW: It's got an eye for a bargain 'fixer upper'?
NIGEL: It’s a bloody Gorgon, Andy, not a property crazed yuppie!
DAVE: I thought it was a Medusa?
ANDREW: There were three Gorgons. Medusa's just the one everyone's heard of.
NIGEL: So she's like Lemmy out of Motorhead?
DAVE: Only slightly better looking.
ANDREW: Boys, I just realised something.
DAVE: What?
ANDREW: “Medusa” is an anagram of “amused”.
DAVE: Is that significant?
ANDREW: I don't think so.
NIGEL: We’re trapped behind the sofa by a snake-haired, dragon-winged, toga-wearing monster and you're working it into a crossword puzzle!
ANDREW: Excuse me for trying to find an upside.
DAVE: I hope it turns you to stone first.
ANDREW: I'm sensing some hostility, Dave.
NIGEL: Shut up! How long do you think we can last in here?
ANDREW: In terms of food?
NIGEL: Yeah.
ANDREW: You had the last cuppa-soup last night. We've got nothing.
DAVE: I've got a cupboard full of tofu.
NIGEL: No food then.
SFX: another long howl.
DAVE: I think it’s getting closer.
ANDREW: I can probably smell us. Well, I say us.
NIGEL: What are you implying, Andrew?
ANDREW: Nothing.
NIGEL: Don’t give me that. You’re insinuating something.
DAVE: Why pick on this house?
ANDREW: Because everyone else was smart enough to evacuate - or is a garden ornament now.
NIGEL: You’re inferring something’s wrong with my hygiene.
ANDREW: No. Well...
DAVE: No, he’s not.
NIGEL: Oh.
ANDREW: I might be implying that, but you’d have to be the one to infer it.
NIGEL: Andrew, you really are a complete -
SFX: another monster howl drowns out the list of expletives.
NIGEL: - biscuit. . . You really think it can sniff me out?
ANDREW: Probably. Don’t go near the windows.
NIGEL: It can smell us through glass?
ANDREW: Why not? Alligators can.
NIGEL: Alligators?
ANDREW: They're reptiles and she's got a head full of snakes.
DAVE: Alligators can't smell through glass.
ANDREW: No? Maybe it's crocodiles then.
NIGEL: Give me a crocodile over that thing any day. At least we could stop a crocodile.
DAVE: You think?
NIGEL: Yes, we could feed you to it while we ran away.
ANDREW: All we’d have to do is twist a rubber band around its snout.
DAVE: All we’d have to do?
ANDREW: Yeah. Crocodile jaws aren't like ours. Snapping shut? Lethal. But opening wide? They've got nothing. One decent rubber band and we'd have it.
NIGEL: It could still charge us down, Bear Grylls, claw us to pieces and beat us to death with its massive prehistoric tail.
DAVE: Good job it's not a crocodile then.
NIGEL: No, it's just a full on monster from Roman mythology.
ANDREW: Greek.
NIGEL: Greek. Roman. We can debate that once it's killed us. Where is it right now?
SFX: another howl.
ANDREW: ...I would say...disturbingly adjacent.
DAVE: Sounds like it’s in the back garden.
NIGEL: You sure?
DAVE: Of course I’m not sure!
NIGEL: Well that’s not much help then. Maybe you could take off your blindfold for a peek?
DAVE: Yeah, you first pal.
ANDREW: Of course we could just flip it over.
NIGEL: “Flip it over?”
ANDREW: Yes. All the blood will rush out its head and it’ll pass out. That’s what they do at rodeos . . . .Sorry, I was still thinking about the crocodile.
SFX: another howl, much closer.
NIGEL: (Shouts) You too, goldilocks!
DAVE: That thing gets in here, we’re toast.
ANDREW: Yep.
NIGEL: You don’t sound too bothered.
ANDREW: Would it help if I did?
NIGEL: It might. It's your fault.
ANDREW: My fault? How is it my fault?
NIGEL: You don’t know?
ANDREW: No.
NIGEL: Well. . . If you don't know I'm not going to tell you!
ANDREW: Fine.
NIGEL: Fine!
ANDREW: Fine!
DAVE: We’re going to die here, aren’t we?
ANDREW: Yes, I should think so.
NIGEL: Unless you’re also immortal and never let on.
DAVE: Twenty-two years and this is how it ends.
ANDREW: Not with a bang but with a whimper.
NIGEL: More a sort of scraping stone-on-stone sound.
ANDREW: Yeah. But not a “bang”.
NIGEL: No. I grant you. Not a “bang”. Still there are worse ways to die.
DAVE: How do you know?
ANDREW: Yeah, we've never died before, certainly never been turned to stone by a creature from ancient mythology. Might be relaxing, maybe not.
DAVE: I’d rather not die at all. Given the option.
NIGEL: Wasn't on my 'to do' list for today either.
ANDREW: Interesting way to go though, beats a car crash or old people's home.
NIGEL: Heart attack in bed with Jessica Alba?
ANDREW: OK, doesn't beat that.
NIGEL: I suppose you're right though, how many stiffs can say they were turned into a fossil?
ANDREW: My guess, today, about fifty-three.
NIGEL: I suppose the novelty is wearing off.
ANDREW: Unless they're not dead.
DAVE: You think being fossilised's something you just get over?
ANDREW: They used to say the same thing about pneumonia. My gran -
NIGEL: This'd take more than half a cup of Lemsip.
DAVE: I've got some pretty potent chamomile.
ANDREW: If she can turn you to stone just like that, maybe something could turn you back again. Like how you can survive if you're frozen. Your brain wouldn’t need oxygen, blood, heart, totally petrified.
NIGEL: I'm petrified of being petrified. I don't want to find out.
DAVE: You think it’ll hurt?
ANDREW: Nah, more like holding your breath forever.
DAVE: . . . Why don't we make a break for it?
NIGEL: We're blindfolded in a barricaded flat. We take off our blindfolds and run then snakehead out there turns us to granite. We leave them on we'll stumble about like Stevie Wonder playing rugby and be easy prey; The whole suburb's blockaded anyway and the army will shoot anything that moves.
DAVE: So you’re saying... we can’t just make a break for it.
ANDREW: I think that’s what he’s saying. Is that what you’re saying, Nige?
NIGEL: Well, not all of us.
SFX: another howl.
ANDREW: Maybe we better keep the noise down.
NIGEL: I just said that.
ANDREW: Sorry. Wasn’t listening.
NIGEL: If you’d listened to me at the start, we'd not be in this mess!
ANDREW: Excuse me, Mr. “Oh-I’m-sure-it-just-another-publicity-stunt-Gorgons-don’t-exist-in-the-real-world-this-has-you've-been-framed-written-all-over-it”!
NIGEL: Well...
ANDREW: Mr. “Nobody-tells-me-when-to-evacuate-my-rented-accommodation-apocalypse-or-no-apocalypse”!
NIGEL: Egomaniac.
ANDREW: Moron.
DAVE: Shhh, the pair of you. None of us saw it coming.
NIGEL: Do you have to keep mentioning sight?
ANDREW: Nigel’s right. We’re all blindfolded. You’re just reminding us.
DAVE: Oh. I see what you mean.
NIGEL: You’re doing it again!
DAVE: Look at it this way -
ANDREW: Dave!
NIGEL: OK, we should have got out, but to start off it was your fault.
ANDREW: Is that right?
NIGEL: Yes.
ANDREW: How's that then?
NIGEL: I'll tell you.
ANDREW: Go on then.
NIGEL: I will.
ANDREW: Good. No one’s stopping you.
NIGEL: No one can stop me.
ANDREW: No one’s trying to!
SFX: another roar.
NIGEL: Doesn't she ever give up? She's worse than those Mormons.
ANDREW: You shouldn't have challenged them to a fight.
NIGEL: We didn't actually come to blows.
ANDREW: Good job, they were big girls, corn fed, you had no chance.
DAVE: They came round every week after that. You hid in your room while I fed them biscuits.
ANDREW: In the end I said you'd moved to Uganda.
NIGEL: This is not remotely the same! It’s like chalk and cheese. They're completely different.
ANDREW Apart from the fact they both start with “ch”.
NIGEL: Apart from that.
DAVE: And they’re both one syllable.
NIGEL: All right, yes, similar in that regard...
ANSWER: Both made from calcium of course.
DAVE: Both white.
ANDREW: No, cheese is yellow.
NIGEL: I’ve seen yellow chalk. Anyway, this is still your fault. You and your bloody artwork, Pablo Picasso. If you hadn't dragged us down the canal for one of your landscapes instead of watching the match we wouldn't be in this mess.
ANDREW: Picasso? Get lost. I'm more of your abstract impressionist. You're right though, when Dave found that first statue, I should have realised someone had been gorgonised.
NIGEL: Did you say “Gorgonise”?
ANDREW: Technical term for being turned into stone. It's in the dictionary.
NIGEL: You’re making this up.
ANDREW: I am not! Gorgonize! It's a doing word!
NIGEL: You only know all these fancy words so you can cheat at scrabble.
ANDREW: Why did you two carry it off anyway?
DAVE: Nigel was bored watching you fling paint around like a chimpanzee, and we thought the statue had just been dumped there.
ANDREW: And you, being you, were going to recycle it?
SFX: another roar.
DAVE: Nige' thought he'd swap it for lunch at Doris's milk bar.
NIGEL: It could have worked. Worth some chips and mushy peas anyway. Would have made a good novelty hat stand.
DAVE: But when we got there . . .
NIGEL: I thought it was more of your modern art rubbish at first. All those statues at the picnic tables. Some corporate thing. Red Bull or... OK, maybe not Red Bull.
ANDREW: Did you get your free lunch?
DAVE: Nope. She came out the back, took a butchers, screamed and ran like a bat out of hell.
NIGEL: She probably rang the police, sparked the whole evacuation.
ANDREW: The evacuation we ignored? That evacuation?
NIGEL: Yep.
Silence
DAVE: We’re dead. We’re going to end up like Lot’s Wife.
ANDREW: She got turned to salt, not rock.
NIGEL: Rock salt, then! Nothing can stop that thing!
ANDREW: There must be something. What do we know about Gorgons?
DAVE: They turn to you stone.
ANDREW: Anything else?
NIGEL: Isn’t that enough?
ANDREW: Come on. Know your enemy.
DAVE: I just know what you told me. If you see it, it's so ugly you turn into stone.
ANDREW: Bit like your Nissan, Nige.
DAVE: And they fire lasers from their eyes.
NIGEL: And have this creepy tail that stings you.
ANDREW: That was The Adventures of Hercules!
NIGEL: I'm sure it was based on historical research.
ANDREW: Julius Caesar did not live next door to Jason and the Argonauts! What else do we know?
NIGEL: You said three sisters, right? No, that’s Macbeth.
ANDREW: Medusa was one of them and she got killed by Perseus.
NIGEL: So what?
ANDREW: So they can be killed and there's only two left.
DAVE: Unless Medusa was just the only mortal Gorgon.
SFX: another roar.
NIGEL: OK, what else do we know?
ANDREW: Sharp teeth. Scaly skin. Much like my first girlfriend. And wings. I’m sure that thing out there has wings.
DAVE: How did Perseus kill Medusa then?
ANDREW: Cut her head off, I think. Then waved the head about to vanquish his enemies.
NIGEL: So, we cut its head off? Do they have acid for blood?
ANDREW: How the hell do I know, Sigourney? But yeah, cut its head off.
DAVE: It doesn't grow another one?
ANDREW: Don't think so. That's the Hydra.
SFX: the Gorgon starts to smash the front door down.
NIGEL: That's the front door!
ANDREW: Fall back to the bathroom!
SFX: more smashes and a much louder roar.
NIGEL: Go, go, go!
DAVE: Don’t take off your blindfold!
ANDREW: Just get into the bathroom!
NIGEL: Well, don't tell it where we're going!
ANDREW: It only speaks Greek!
SFX: roars amid rattlesnake noises
SFX: Nigel trips over an armchair.
NIGEL: Ah! My ankle!
SFX: rattlesnake noises get louder and louder
DAVE: Crawl for it Nigel! She's picked me. My god, it’s got my hand!
NIGEL: That’s me. Sorry.
SFX: shockingly loud roar. Then NIGEL roars back. A moment's silence.
NIGEL . . . I did NOT expect that to work.
SFX: They tumble into the bathroom and slam the door as the Gorgon continues to bellow.
ANDREW: You in Nige?
NIGEL: I'm in, you in too?
ANDREW: Yeah, we're good.
DAVE: I'm in too.
SCENE 2: INT. BATHROOM. NIGHT
SFX: The Gorgon roars as they recover their breath.
NIGEL: OK. We're safe.
ANDREW: Well, not really.
NIGEL: Good job we had that window bricked, it can't get in that way.
ANDREW: Yeah, and you tried to fight that court order after the nurses next door complained.
DAVE: What are we going to do?
ANDREW: We're not going to panic. There's at least half an inch of MDF between us and that roaring death machine. We’re not dead yet.
NIGEL: Can’t help but notice the word “yet” there.
ANDREW: We need to brainstorm.
DAVE: Um . . .
SFX: the toilet flushes
NIGEL: Sorry, I was bursting. What's the plan then?
ANDREW: Long version or short version?
NIGEL: . . . Short.
ANDREW: Don’t let it kill us.
NIGEL: And the long?
ANDREW: We kill it instead.
NIGEL: So you’re saying we should try and kill the gorgon.
ANDREW: Exactly!
DAVE: If killing it was easy, wouldn't the army have done it already?
NIGEL: They could have, they don't want to hurt civilians.
ANDREW: Right, if killing them is that hard, why is there only one? Why haven’t they spread across the globe?
DAVE: We don't know there's only one. You said there was another. Are they only women? Maybe she's looking for man.
NIGEL: You'll be all right then. Sounds like a plan though. Chop her head clean off.
DAVE: With what?
NIGEL: We improvise. Main thing is we don't die.
DAVE: Well, I don't know.
ANDREW: What’s your problem, Dave?
DAVE: Well... we’d be making a species extinct.
NIGEL: It's not a flippin' dodo.
DAVE: That could be the only Gorgon in the world. And if we kill it... well...Are we any better?
NIGEL: We kill it and save the world. Girls love that stuff. I'm not seeing the downside.
DAVE: Wiping out an entire species though! Do we have the right?
NIGEL: It wants to wipe us out. It's the Gorgon or us. Whose side are you on here?
ANDREW: Nigel’s right, Dave, Gorgon's don't give a stuff about the environment.
NIGEL: World's better off without them.
ANDREW: They’re as bad as those pandas.
DAVE: Pandas? What have you got against Pandas?
ANDREW: I don't know, they sit around all day on their fat black and white backsides, chomping bamboo, not even trying to bump nasties. It's like they want to go extinct sometimes. Sorry, it's always bugged me.
NIGEL: We'll kill it with our bare hands.
ANDREW: The Panda?
NIGEL: The Gorgon!
DAVE: Could we live with that on our consciences?
NIGEL: Dunno really, but I'm willing to find out.
SFX: another howl, quieter now.
NIGEL: So. The plan. Kill the Gorgon while . . . it’s distracted.
DAVE: What’s distracting it?
ANDREW: . . . Nigel?
NIGEL: Well. Dave. You are. Obviously.
DAVE: Me?
ANDREW: Yeah. While that thing is busy turning you to stone, we sneak up behind it and...
DAVE: ...Me?!?
NIGEL: No, you keep your blindfold on.
DAVE: So it can tear me to pieces?
NIGEL: Not right away. It's kill or be killed, right? You don't want to kill it, so you're going to die anyway. You like animals, best way to go.
ANDREW: Right, right. This way you keep the moral high ground and we both survive. It's a win win.
NIGEL: We got any swords or anything in here?
ANDREW: In the bathroom?
NIGEL: Hacksaw or something. Some kind of weapon.
DAVE: What about the snakes?
ANDREW: Most snakes are perfectly harmless.
DAVE: Not these ones!
ANDREW: I'm just saying in general.
DAVE: You’re just going to let me die?
NIGEL: Now don't go all emo.
DAVE: I am not emo!
ANDREW: Yeah, don’t call him emo, Nige. You’ll make him cry.
DAVE: Excuse me! I got a bit overwrought at the job centre one time and accidentally scratched my sunburn – that does not make me emo! All right?
NIGEL: OK, thorough recce of the cabinet. No hacksaws.
ANDREW: OK, plan B.
NIGEL: You distract it, we sneak away. . .
DAVE: And. . . ?
ANDREW: . . . Nigel?
NIGEL: Well, we escape.
ANDREW: I don’t want you think that we don’t care about you, Dave. we do. But you were last name on the lease and . . .
DAVE: This wasn't in the rental agreement!
ANDREW: We’re by no means saying you being turned to stone is a good thing.
NIGEL: Not in itself, no.
ANDREW: But this way you're the hero, and we get to lead lives that are worth living.
NIGEL: Exactly.
ANDREW: I've got my painting. Nige is assistant manager at Halfords. What have you got?
NIGEL: With the best will in the world, and I love you mate, I really do, but you are whiney, self-hating loser with no career prospects, social life or any discernible chance of losing your virginity. Are you seriously going to look me in the eye and tell me you have anything to live for?
ANDREW: You may be the lucky one Dave. There could be turbulent times ahead.
DAVE: What do you mean?
NIGEL: Well, Gorgons today, what's coming back tomorrow? Cyclops popping up in Centre Parks! Minotaurs marauding through Middlesborough. Could be mayhem. I envy you being out of it, I really do.
DAVE: You could always volunteer then.
NIGEL: I already hurt my ankle.
DAVE: Andy said it was his fault.
ANDREW: Which is why I have to live to make amends. It's a moral imperative. What can I do?
NIGEL: Good man Dave. We'll tell your mum you died bravely, once you're gone she'll take our calls I'm sure.
DAVE: So this is it, then?
ANDREW: I expect so. Maybe we should discuss the. . . arrangements?
DAVE: Arrangements?
NIGEL: How do you want to be buried? What's the playlist going to be? Don't worry, we'll stand you the catering.
DAVE: Um. I never really thought about it.
NIGEL: I want a tape recorder in my coffin so as it slides into the furnace my voice starts shouting it's all been a terrible mistake.
Andrew and Dave laugh, then tail off.
ANDREW: Hang on though, what if you actually do get burned alive? No one would let you out, your mates would just think -
NIGEL: Oh. Yeah, that needs some more thought. What are you having Andrew?
ANDREW: Viking boat burning.
NIGEL: Obviously. Ulf, Sven and Gunnar the Giant down the Rose and Crown would love that.
ANDREW: What about you?
NIGEL: Statue of me big enough to be seen from space was my original idea, but to be honest, this business has put me right off.
ANDREW: Good thing about this, Dave, is you could be your own headstone, and those things are expensive, let me tell you.
DAVE: So? I’ll be dead! Let them bill the afterlife! . .You believe in an afterlife, right?
ANDREW: Well . . .
DAVE: I’ve never been very religious.
NIGEL: Religion requires faith, perseverance and commitment. You couldn't get through the first season of Lost.
DAVE: You believe in god Andy?
ANDREW: It's all up in the air now. Gorgon's coming back mean a major theological rethink.
DAVE: But what do you think happens? When we die, I mean?
NIGEL: Well, your heart stops beating. After that you're on your own.
ANDREW: Look at it this way, Dave... if you die, you cease to exist, right?
DAVE: Right.
ANDREW: So it’s just like before you were born. And that was pretty relaxing.
DAVE: I suppose.
NIGEL: Come on, clock's ticking. Who do you want at your funeral, Dave? We'll try to make it, obviously.
ANDREW: Goes without saying.
NIGEL: Least we could do.
DAVE: Um. Well, I want my family there. If they want to. Best not make it giro day. Phoebe, that girl I sat next to in History... you're right, I have nothing.
ANDREW: Don't worry, we'll get your family there. We'll stress the free food angle.
NIGEL: You made a will?
DAVE: I don't have much stuff.
NIGEL: OK, job lot on ebay. Might pay for the balloons.
SFX: Dave sobs.
ANDREW: I don’t want to be cruel, Dave, but it'd be much easier on Nigel and me if you kept it together. It's been a trying time for us both.
DAVE: Yes, yes, I'm sorry.
NIGEL: Good lad.
ANDREW: And Dave, I just want to say. . .
DAVE: (Sniffles) What?
ANDREW: Well, how about “Gotta Go Home” by Boney M for the music? We'd all like a bit of a boogie after this. Cheer everyone up.
DAVE: Bloody hell.
ANDREW: There’s that underlying note of hostility again.
SFX: Dave starts to sniffle.
ANDREW: Shhh... Listen.
NIGEL: I can't hear anything.
ANDREW: Exactly. It's gone.
NIGEL Or it's waiting for us.
DAVE: So it's either gone, or it won't expect an attack.
ANDREW: Right.
DAVE: OK! All right then! Anything's better than another minute in here with you two. MEDUSA! Start running for your life, you snake-haired bitch! DAVE’S COMING!
SFX: DAVE tears down the rail and shower curtain.
ANDREW: What are you doing? That’s the shower rail!
NIGEL: I nicked that curtain specially!
DAVE: Tough! I need it! You said improvise!
ANDREW: But we need that for showers! Well, some of us do.
DAVE: I’ll use it to bludgeon Medusa.
ANDREW: Oh so it's bugger Greenpeace when it's your neck on the line.
SFX: DAVE cracks Andrew over the head with the shower rail.
ANDREW: Oww!
DAVE: Sorry. Just practicing. Right. Nigel!
NIGEL: Don’t hit me, I didn’t say anything!
DAVE: No, open the door!
NIGEL: Three -
DAVE and NIGEL: Two -
DAVE, NIGEL and ANDREW: One -
SFX: Nigel throws open the door.
DAVE: Geronimooooo!!!... Oh.
NIGEL: It’s gone.
DAVE: Thank... I mean, damn. Damn it to hell.
NIGEL: Don't worry, it’ll be back.
ANDREW: My head really does hurt. I cannot emphasize that enough.
DAVE: So what was your real plan once I jumped out here?
NIGEL: Run like hell, jump in the car and drive... bravely... in the opposite direction. To get, you know, help.
DAVE: Brilliant. Thanks mate. Anyway, I've done my bit, I guess it's Andrews turn now while we do a runner.
NIGEL: No time for that. It'll be back any second. Dave. Any last words?
DAVE: What?
NIGEL: Just the old stiff upper lip? Hardcore.
DAVE: No, I’m not going to die. If you're not going to help me, I'm going to kill it, like you said.
NIGEL: You're not Israeli Special Forces, you got beaten up by the heavy bag that time we went to the gym.
DAVE: Yeah, well. No more mister nice guy. Remember what Che Gevara said!
NIGEL: I'm just a pretty hipster on a T shirt?
DAVE: No. 'It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees'.
ANDREW: That was Emiliano Zapata. . . He's better known for his moustache.
DAVE: If some Greek twerp in a toga can kill a Gorgon, then I should stand a chance.
NIGEL: That's the spirit.
ANDREW: Keep your eyes closed and hope for the best, it's like oral sex really.
DAVE: I’m going to do it! I’m bloody well going to do it! Tonight, Medusa’s ugly sister took on the wrong part-time 7 - 11 shelf stacker! YES! This is going to be the greatest night of Dave Restal’s life!
NIGEL: Riiiiiight.... Well, you get on with that then and we'll...cover your rear.
DAVE: This shower rail is pretty sturdy. You only nick the best.
SFX: Scuffling sounds, like a monster creeping up outside.
DAVE: This is Dave Restal... signing off.
NIGEL: Been done, hasn’t it?
ANDREW: Marx had a good last line.
DAVE: Karl?
ANDREW: Zeppo.
SFX: dustbins being knocked over.
NIGEL: She must be out the front. You get out there and distract her Dave, Andy and I will. . . .
DAVE: Cover my rear, I get it.
ANDREW: Try not to die instantly. Think fluid.
DAVE: Will do.
NIGEL: You’re a brave man, Dave.
DAVE: That really makes it all worthwhile. OK, here I go.
SFX: Dave heads out.
NIGEL: (Calling after him) That’s really appreciated, Dave! Seriously! Major props for this! Go get them, tiger!
SCENE 3: EXT. STREET. NIGHT
DAVE: (to himself) No sign of her... no sign of anyone, come to that...
SFX: footsteps.
DAVE: So cold... freezing... Can she freeze the air? No, that’s ghosts. And ghosts aren’t real. But then neither are Gorgons. Except this one.
SFX: a dog howls in the distance.
DAVE: Aw. Someone must have left their dog behind.
SFX: the dog is cut short with a cry.
DAVE: Must have. . . fallen asleep.
SFX: running footsteps.
DAVE: No street lights. Like my dad said, one power cut and we're back to being cavemen. Cavemen with armfuls of soggy peas, maybe, but cavemen all the same.
SFX: footsteps stop.
DAVE: I’m dead meat.
SFX: Silence so loud you can hear it.
DAVE: OK.
SFX: a distance scraping noise, like stone on stone.
DAVE: I heard that.
SFX: Silence, then a roar, shockingly close and loud.
DAVE: Hello? Keep your eyes closed Dave.
SFX: louder roars.
DAVE: Come on then! Have a go if you think you're hard enough! Oh . . .Shit.
SFX: Dave's nerve fails him and he starts running.
DAVE: Please don’t have a bow and arrow. Please don’t have a bow and arrow. Please don’t have a bow and arrow.
SFX: a long roar.
SFX: bins being knocked over.
DAVE: Oh god, run, Dave, run, run!
SFX: another roar. REALLY loud.
DAVE: Don’t look back. Never look back. I always loved you Phoebe. Woah!
SFX: DAVE tumbles down some steps
SFX: distant scraping, louder and closer. Rattlesnake noises.
DAVE: Oh, bring it on then! I've got a shower rail. I'm not afraid to use it!
SFX: A clunk as he swings the shower rail against the Gorgon to no effect.
DAVE: Bloody Chinese rubbish!
SFX: A tinny clang as he throws the rail away.
SFX: A car squeals into the street at top speed.
DAVE: Watch out!
SFX: The car slams into the Gorgon and slews to a halt.
DAVE: What the hell?!
ANDREW: Nigel, you hit it! Dave! Stay out the way!
NIGEL: Bloody hell!
ANDREW: Reverse over it!
SFX: The car reverses over the body. The howling and hiss of the rattlesnakes dwindle into silence.
ANDREW: Hah! Indestructible my left buttock! Not so tough now are you?
DAVE: Nige! Andy! I knew you'd come get me!
NIGEL: Right! That was the plan!
ANDREW: Absolutely! All the time! Surprise it from behind! No worries!
NIGEL: Look at the dent in that bodywork.
ANDREW: That'll knock out, no problem.
NIGEL: Third party fire and theft won't cover it.
ANDREW: Yeah, you need fully comprehensive to cover mythological Greek monsters.
SFX: Vague moans.
DAVE: Are you sure it's dead?
ANDREW: It's got a car on its head. Of course it's dead.
SFX: Another groan.
ANDREW: OK, it's stricken. It's fading away.
NIGEL: Still, maybe we should make a move.
ANDREW: First sensible thing I’ve heard all day.
SFX: They start running.
NIGEL: Where to?
DAVE: Dunno. Keep bombing down here till we reach the blockade.
ANDREW: And then avoid being shot.
DAVE: They won't shoot us.
NIGEL: If they shoot us I'll be pretty annoyed.
DAVE: That was a genius plan of yours though Nige, must admit. Fool me I was on my own, Gorgon smells the fear, goes in for the kill, you smack it from behind. I should have trusted you guys.
NIGEL: Need to know, Dave. Need to know.
DAVE: I love you guys.
ANDREW: OK, now that is Emo.
DAVE: Come on, round this corner.
SFX: A volley of gunfire.
SFX: In the distance the Gorgon howls again.
THE END
